poem

I don’t know if there’s a heaven for cats
or what happens after any of us die
but I hope I see you again someday
somehow or somewhen
and I can touch your fur again
and stroke your soft head
and hear your little “Mew!” as you demand “More!”
To feel you wind around my legs
and hear your bell jingle as you run
so that I always know you’re there
even when you’re hiding under the chair
or running up and down the stairs
and peeking in and out of my room
letting me brush my hand down your back as I lay in bed.
The feel of your little feet on my chest
the pleasant feel of under your chin
the sight of you curled up in front of the heater
or taking up the whole chair
even though your body was small
your presence so much larger than the physical you
making me miss you like I lost a giant piece of my soul.
I wish I’d taken more pictures
and saved more memories
because the without you is forever
and I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again
or if this life was it
and our moments have passed
and I’ve lost my sweetest friend.

You start your bullshit early
before the situation is clear,
complaining and blaming,
recriminating everyone.
Your words are hurtful,
cruel and emotionally damaging,
shamefully loud
as you defend yourself from no accusers.
And when the truth comes out
you slink away
rather than apologizing;
making the hurt even worse.
Because you know you were wrong
but you always have to feel right
so you double-down on the passive aggression
to shift your sense of guilt.

Beautiful and delicious
lovely and nutritious
cooked, raw, and for cooking,
solid, liquid, crunchy, oil,
transformative and transforming.
Bright and dark
soft and hard
petals and seeds
every part is edible
except the shells.

Suspended in my heart
broken wheels unspinning
wanting more
receiving less
dreaming small
of nothing.
Wake up in the morning
go to bed at night
struggle hard
sleep soft
terrorize myself
with thoughts.
Make up
get down
do right
get left
every day is a journey
endless and unfulfilling.